Let Him Find His Happiness

Assalamualaikum...

I guess i am not strong enough to support my best friend... I tought i have collected enough strength... But, i cried today...

Today, i came to the office... Hawkeye is on off day today... Sit at his place seing his ceramic bowl, that sad feeling just come without being invited....

I keep telling myself that i should let him find his happiness... Thousand times... He deserve to be happy.. He is a good man.. Me being around dosent help much since he still have his self stigma.. I understand, it is not easy to accept the fact... I dont know what hapoen to me if i am at his shoes... I really hope that i can help at least support...

But i dont think so he need me to be around... Me reminds him that he is sick.. And i dont think he likes that.. He wants to be just like other normal peeps... And seeing me will trigger him that i know he is not well...

I always question myself, why me... Why do i have so much compassion and that deep feelings to him... Allah knows, friendship is where my weakness... He wants me to be strong... He knows that i would do anything, i would bare anything to make sure that my family and friends happy.. He knows i can bare this.. Though it is so hard... At times, i feel i just wanna let go everything... I just wanna disappear... But i cant.. I dont have the heart to leave him alone...

I know he is trying so hard to build himself back... Trying to build his confidence... To build his strength... I have try my level best to act normal... And it is so hard when u really care about someone, and really want to know if he really ok...

I have my family, i have love of my life, i have good health, i am surrounded by good people and friends, i have a job, i have everything that a woman dream of... But, when i think about him, my heart shattered... How hard it is for him to accept the fate, to put that happy face, how strong he is to take his meds at 10 every night, how brave he is to go through the side effects everytime... Thinking of that, my heart just wrench... Vision blurred and tears running down... I was there at that low phase, and he is there despite his own problem.. He cheer me up and make my day at time he is struggling on his own to back on his feet again... Can you see how noble that was? Can you understand why i was so shattered?

Yes, he dont need all this tears and this over sensitive friend... But i will still stay... I will be there just waiting for him to share once he is ready.. Be it 10 years, ill be here.. A promise is a promise... No matter how shitty i feel, how hard it is, how difficult, even i need to cry everyday to relief myself, i will stay.. Ill never leave... Because i know he needs someone, it is not just me at this moment... A true friend will do whatever it takes and will endure whatever to ensure the happiness of the significant other...

It is not about me, not about us... It is about him... If he is happy this way, i should be happy as well...

May Allah grant tremendous strength for me as well as for him...

May Allah gather us in jannah, because i miss his conversations and his presence..

May Allah bless this friendship till jannah..