A Confrontation.

Confrontation...

For me is a form of honesty which I always do and I appreciate people who do it to me.
For me, honesty is the very important element in a relationship be it husband and wife, lovers or friendship..

Yep, I have confronted him.. it is not face to face by the way.. I texted him.. I know it was so sudden, but I just cant take it to see his sad face.. he might not realizing that he showing the face to me, but a s a BFF is can see his sorrow even he hide it under his joker mask.. He is having illness and i cant help him, and I am so shattered.

I hope you are well, eat your medication and stronger day by day..
Let me be honest with you..
I dont expect any answers from you..
I just need honesty from you..

I tell him that I have been observing him and I am very certain that he is having HIV+.. He have told me all the side effects of his HAART medication without realizing (I believe). All the nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, depression, the rashes, that blue pill and his routine check up details..

I am not expecting any explanation nor any story on how you get it..
Its all in the past dosent matter anymore..
I only want you to know that I am here..
I will support you as much as I can..
You can always count on me and please dont be afraid..
Dont be afraid of contracting the virus to me..
Dont be afraid of how I look at you..
Dont be afraid of how your future will be..
As everything is in Allah's hand..
Everything happens for a reason...

For God sake, I am his freaking friend.. I am not dumb for not able to see his sadness and worries.. I know he is having so much on his plate..

He must be thinking why me?
How i am going to face my family, my mother?
What would they think about me?
Will I be able to have my own child, my own family?
Will they accept me? Am I going to be a disgrace to them?
Is there anyone out there willing to have me as a husband?
Will Allah accept my repent?
Will He throw me in his deepest Hell?
How I am going to survive?

Millions of Q to think off...

So, I guess I am the least that he want to think off..

But Allah knows how many tears I shed for knowing your illness..
How many du'a ive send for you..
How worried i am whenever you sick..
How desperate I am to know your well being..
How sad I am seeing your sad and frustrated face..
As I am afraid of losing you..
Dont ask me why, just you know that I am afraid of losing another best friend...

He is one of precious souls in my life.. I understand that he need some space to build back his life, his confidence.. He is having too much on his plate now, I dont want to add anything to it..

Knowing someone you care for is sick and you cant do anything.. the feelings is demmm sucks... I cried almost everyday thinking about him.. But, reflecting on his reply of my looooonnngggg text makes me realize that this is not about me.. It is about him.. Not that he is being selfish, hell no.. he have too many to think about and as a friend I should understand that..

Even I cant give helping hand, I do believe in power of du'a.. He is always in my du'a in my every last sujood.. Ill be at presence always.. As a BFF, i am giving him space and time as much as he wanted to build his life.. I know it is too much to take, but i BELIEVE he can as he is one of most stubborn and strong creature ive found on earth (a side of me.. hahahahaha).

I believe Allah sees my sincerity in our friendship and I always believe His plan is the best.. There is always other way that I can help him indirectly kan...

I just want him to know that I am always here whenever he needs me.. Like how he always there whenever I needs him..


Thank you to you who reads my entry.. do drop me an advise if you are those special ones like my Hawkeye.. It will be very helpful..

Be strong and May Allah bless you with tremendous courage! InsyaAllah.