One Fine Night...

Continued from last entry...

I found a flyer under his desk.. We are working that day and he sat next to me.. Flyer fall out from his bag.. I take it and i open it just out of curiosity..

The first word i see is HAART.. i dont know what is that stands for.. As i read it is sone sort of medication or theraphy.. It didnt say anywhere in the flyer about hiv.. While reading, he snatch the flyer from me..

Looking panic and i started asking him..

Him : mana ko dapat ni?
Me : kertas ni terkeluar dr beg ko la smalam.. Beg tak zip kan. Aku tgk la..
What is that Hawkeye?
Him : nothing it is about my medication.
Me : HAART? medication ape meh?
Him : untuk hati. Haart kan? (he is a terrible liar)
Me : ye ke?
Him : iye.. (while he keep the paper inside his bag)

I didnt probe further afterwards as i dont like to push him.. we continue do our work..

He finished his shift earlier than me, so he go back first.. While waiting for my train, i google the word HAART..

To my shocked it says a threaphy for hiv+ patients. Which help to suppressed the virus and increase the cd4 count for the patient. It is combination of medicines given by doctors upon confirmation of hiv+.

While reading it, my vision blurred.. Intensely, my heart wrenched.. And i cried sobbing helplessly... I cant help myself from sobbing..

Is he having hiv+?
Why him?
He is too young, how he overcome this?
Is he going to be ok?
Is there anyone next to him supporting him?
Is this the reason of his mental breakdown?
Why he didnt tell me...............

I grab my phone and i call him..

Me : (holding tears) hello Hawkeye
Him :. ..............
Me : hello..
Him : (i dont know what he talking because his voice is too soft)
Me : (something like this) hawkeye, i want you ask u something..
Him : yes..
Me : (cried) are you having hiv.. (sobbing)
Him : no. Kenapa pulak..
Me : i google your medication that HAART, it is for hiv+ patient.. Cakap betul2.. (sobs)
Him : tak lah.. (after this he did denied cant really remember the word coz i am busy sobbing)
Him : ko nangis kenapa?
Me : ha la aku nangis. Ko kawan aku n hiv+. Sape tak nangis? (yep, am too afraid to loose a bestie)
Him : takdelah. Aku ok je.

After a bit chit chatting, ended the call..

He texted me :

Him: Hey. Dont worry ya. Insyallah i will be next to u and Thor sentiasa (Thor is our bff also)
Him: It is just a pamphlet btw
Him: To add up my knowledge
Me: U said it is about ur medication earlier.
Me: When u take away d paper from me.
Him: Hahahahaha
Me: Ofkos la aku sedih.
Me: It is not funny..
Him: Coz ada cop klinik kesihatan kat bawah notes tu
Him: Yes im not bluffing
Him: I am okay
Him: Lets just wait for the results k
Me: U better not coz i dont have tissue paper already.
Him: Kau menangis kat *** ke apa
Him: No dont worry
Me: Aku dah berfikir2 nak tanya sampai abis tisu aku curik kat #$&%#$ tadi.
Me: Ha la. Takkan kat tepi jalan.
Me: Worried sick.
Him: Aku mintak kawan2 baik aku doakan aku sihat pun dh ckup. Aku x nak apa2 pun
Him: I know that i look sick
Him: I look pale
Him: But i have to stay positive supaya aku x lemah
Him: Betul x
Him: So dont worry
Me: Nothing to do with hiv what not kan?
Me: Serious kan?
Me: Hawkeye?
Him: Apa aku tgok tv
Him: Haha x perasan mesej
Him: Tidakkkk
Him: Jangan riso
Me: ALHAMDULILLAH..
Me: Pegilah tgk tb.
Me: Kbai..

It is long conversation that night, i just feel comfortable sharing stories with him because i love to talk.. I love to converse with people..

Deep down inside my guts that night i knew he is fighting hiv and 1 std disease.. But i understand he would like to keep it discreet, it is a very taboo things to talk about in our community..

But for this, this stigma that makes plhiv motivation and drive to fight goes down the drain.. The stigma kills.. And they are not in any part to be blame.. Past is past, we can do nothing about it.. As people who live (and befriended) with plhiv, i need to do something to change the stigma.. At least Hawkeye will feel comfortable to share his fears, worry and concern about his health with me.. I know he definitely need support and that what i am here for. To give endleas support insyaAllah..

Enough of blabbing.. Till next entry..